Today, we revisit our Department of Unsung Treasures to present one of the few literary works that can truly be called one-of-a-kind: PL8SPK, by Daniel Nussbaum.
It was in the early 1990s that Nussbaum, a free-lance writer in Los Angeles, came up with an idea I think is more than merely novel or clever—it’s brilliant. He saw that, right before our eyes, an alternate vocabulary is springing forth, with uncounted millions of ordinary people contributing a word apiece. You see examples of this new vocabulary on the road every day. They’re called vanity plates.
So what Nussbaum did was scour the rolls of vanity plates registered with the state’s Motor Vehicles Bureau, and retell some well-known works in this brand-new language. He does Genesis, Kafka’s The Metamorphosis, even The Joy of Sex.
Here’s Oedipus Rex, the tragedy of the king of Thebes who discovers himself inadvertently married to his mother. Her name is Jocasta. It’s a tale that, since Sophocles first dramatized it some 2,450 years ago, has been retold countless times—but perhaps never quite like this:
ONCEAPON ATIME LONG AGO IN
THEBES IMKING. OEDIPUS DAKING.
LVMYMRS. LVMYKIDS. THEBENS THINK
OEDDY ISCOOL. NOPROBS.
OKAY MAYBE THEREZZ 1LITL1.
MOTHER WHERERU? WHEREAT
MYDAD? NOCALLZ NEVER. HAVENOT
ACLUE. INMYMIND IWNDER WHOAMI?
IMUST FINDEM.
JOJO MYWIFE GOES “OED DONT USEE?
WERHAPI NOW LETITB.” IGO ”NOWAY.
IAMBOSS. DONTU TELLME MYLIFE.
INEED MYMOM. II WILLL FINDHER. FIND
BOTHOF THEM.”
SOI START SEEKING DATRUTH ABOUT
WHO IAM. ITGOEZ ULTRAAA SLOWE.
THE SPHYNX RIDDLE WAS ACINCH
BUT NOTTHIZ.
SUDNLEE WEHEAR SHOCKING NEWS.
WHEN IWASA TINY1 THISGR8 4SEER SED
IWOOD OFF MY ROYAL OLDMAN THEN
MARREE MYMAMA. SICKO RUBBISH,
NESTPAS? WHOWHO COULDBE SOGONE?
STILL MOMNDAD SENT MEEEEE AWAY.
MEE ABABI AWAAAY.
NOWWWW GETTHIZ. MANY MOONS
GOBY. IMEET THISGUY ONATRIP.
WEDOO RUMBLE. WHOKNEW? ILEFTMY
POP ONE DEDMAN.
UGET DAFOTO. MAJR. TSURIS. JOJO
MYHONEE, MYSQEEZ, MYLAMBY,
MIAMOR, MYCUTEE. JOJOY IZZ
MYMOMMY.
YEGODS WHYMEE? YMEYYME? LIFSUX.
IAMBAD, IAMBAD, IMSOBAD.
STOPNOW THISS HEDAKE. THIS FLESH
DUZ STINK. ITZ 2MUCH PAYNE 4ONE2C.
TAKEGOD MYEYES!
AIEEEEE!
Now, is that great, or what? I’m tempted, in my weakness for professorial deconstruction, to tell you why I think it’s so good on so many levels. But why spoil the beauty of the thing?
Nevertheless, you owe me one.
PL8SPK: California Vanity Plates Retell the Classis is out of print but available through Amazon. It isn’t cheap, but then again, its covers are actually made of metal to simulate license plates. Probably worth the price. 
Ted the Cat (1994-present) is a domestic shorthair blogger and vers libre poet. He also enjoys sleeping, eating, and lurking. Ted the Cat co-habits with Kaze,
also a blogger at 317am.net.
I'm not so sure it's brilliant, but then, I don't always figure out what the plates say. Like tonight…NYTVENYR…any ideas? I followed it for about 15 minutes, stumped. Something to do with New York, maybe the NYRangers? NYTimes? TV? I'd much rather have been wondering why women don't like my poetry.
What is this? The "magnificent?" No wonder women don't like your poetry. You've an unrealistic view of yourself. Maybe a little humble pie would help? Hey do you think if you wrote your poetry using "texting lingo" it would be as brilliant as license plate talk?
The post I liked was the one where one of you listed the top 50 Springfield songs. Granted, the list was broken because it ignored "Born in the USA" but it was interesting. I want to see more lists. Like the 20 best movies with a female lead (are there that many?). Or the 20 best doo wop songs. Keep up the good work. I like Ted, the carnivore.
What is it with this "maud" fetish you guys have? Do you google "maud?" Did you not get enough "Maud Squad" when you were young?
I thought this column was about vanity, so I tried to be a little more vane. Hence, "the Magnificent." I've been experimenting. How about El Tigre, the Terrible? or El Tigre, the Tiger? I mean, shouldn't there be some kind of modifier? I am kinda magnificent. I mean, would El Tigre, the Ordinary work?
If your mother was Catherine Zeta-Jones, wouldn't it be natural to have an Oedipus complex? How about Liv Ullman? Or Uma? or Sophia Loren? Maud Adams?
I could be El Tigre, the Cat…but Ted already took it.